


These Idiots Need Our Help

by Plant_Queen



Category: Fablehaven Series - Brandon Mull
Genre: F/M, Getting Together, references to kisses, some mild language, this is basically crack ngl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-11-02 11:02:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10943157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Plant_Queen/pseuds/Plant_Queen
Summary: Warren and Vanessa refuse to accept their feelings for one another, so the rest of the family decides to help them along. Predictably, nothing goes as planned.





	These Idiots Need Our Help

**Author's Note:**

> Have you ever written something, and about a quarter of the way through, it just devolves into something that flirts the line between crack and an actual idea. Yeah, this is that.

“Alright everyone, our first meeting has officially begun. Mission: These Idiots Need Our Help. I’m opening the floor for suggestions,” Seth said, addressing the small crowd in front of him.

The crowd consisted of Kendra, Bracken, Tanu, Stan, and one scowling Ruth. Bracken raised his hand, looking the most confused of the bunch. Seth nodded at him, and Bracken cleared his throat.

“Ahhh, can you update me on what this mission is? Kendra told me I had to come, but I’m not sure what’s going on.”

“Right, so Warren and Vanessa are slowly, but surely, killing all of us with their romance. Rather, the lack-thereof. We need to get these two idiots together so they can stop making goo-goo eyes at each other and sighing dreamily and generally driving the rest of us batty. So we’re going to come up with a plan to get them together,” Seth explained, gesturing to the large, blank piece of paper behind him where he was going to write down the plan. 

Bracken considered this for a moment before nodding sagely. “I’m in agreement. Something needs to be done about those two, and they clearly won’t do it on their own.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t be in their business,” Ruth hedged, “if they wanted us to know, they would have said something.”

“Grandma, what was it you were complaining about yesterday?” Kendra asked, feigning innocence. Ruth shifted uncomfortably. A few seconds of silence was all it took to break her. 

“I said the sexual tension between those two was so thick I could cut it with a knife,” she finally blurted. 

“And?” Stan asked.

“And that I was half tempted to lock them in the dungeon to see if they couldn’t figure this out,” Ruth grumbled. “Fine, fine. I’m in.”

“Great!” Seth said, turning to write the word ‘dungeon’ on the paper. “And that dungeon idea wasn’t half bad, but I think we should save it until later.” 

Bracken chuckled, but turned it into a cough when Ruth shot him a glare. 

“All right, team. We need to brainstorm.” 

The next hour was spent with the crowd tossing out increasingly ridiculous ideas. Once Seth suggested hiring a circus for them, Ruth called the meeting to an end. 

“We’ve had some good ideas here, by and large. I’m pleasantly surprised about where this is going. Why don’t we try plan A tomorrow?” 

Everyone nodded, with varying degrees of excitement. 

******

Plan A:

“Hey, Warren, I need your help with something,” Bracken said as he stuck his head into the man’s room.

“Sure, what’s up?” Warren stood, sheathing the sword he’d been polishing. 

“I, uh, I need some advice.” Warren looked at him curiously. Bracken sighed and decided to just bite the bullet. This was going to be super awkward. “I need some advice about Kendra.”

Warren’s demeanor instantly changed. A smirk found it’s way onto his face and he stood up straighter. “Oh?” Bracken could hear the amusement in his tone. 

“Yeah, I want to do something really romantic for her, but I’m not sure what. Do you have any suggestions?” Bracken was thankful that he had centuries of experience to help school his features into a neutral expression.

“What kind of suggestions?” Warren was still a little amused, but he looked more thoughtful now.

“What would you do if you were going to do something romantic for a girl you really, really liked?”

Warren thought for a moment. “Well,” he began, “I would probably take her on a picnic to the pond. Set up some candles and lights in the gazebo. Maybe bribe the fairies into playing some music.” 

Bracken grinned. “Thanks Warren!” Before he could ask questions, Bracken turned and dashed off.

Ruth, Tanu, Kendra, and Seth were all waiting in the kitchen. They didn’t have long to set everything up for the romantic date they were going to force Warren and Vanessa on. 

“Well?” Ruth asked when Bracken burst into the kitchen.

“A romantic picnic at the pond. With lights and music.” Bracken relayed the information Warren had unknowingly given him. 

“I’ve got the lights!” Seth hollered and ran off. 

“I’ll do the food!” Ruth and Tanu called at the same time. After a brief moment looking at each other Ruth said, “You do the entree and I’ll do the dessert.” Tanu nodded and sprung into action, pulling out pans and other kitchen utensils. Ruth ran to the cupboard.

“I’ll go find the other picnic supplies,” Kendra offered, disappearing to go find a suitable blanket and basket.

“And I’ll handle the music,” Bracken announced to no one in particular. He stepped outside the kitchen onto the back patio and was instantly swarmed by a small crowd of fairies.

“Alright ladies, I need your help.” All the fairies crowded in further, arms waving to get Bracken’s attention. “Who is the most talented musician among you?” 

A lovely fairy with a dark complexion and a dress as yellow as sunshine zoomed into Bracken’s vision. “I can sing, Lord Bracken, and I have friends who can play instruments of their own making,” she chirped. 

“Splendid! Would you fetch them for me?” he said, ignoring the pouts of the other fairies. The little fairy nodded and zipped off. A few moments later, a trio of fairies came streaking back, following the fairy with the yellow dress. 

“Did you need our talents, Lord Bracken?” asked a fairy with neon pink hair.

“Yes. Would you be so kind as to play a few songs for my friends tonight at the pond?”

“We would be honored,” a fairy with green dragonfly wings said as she dipped into a miniature courtesy. 

“We should practice!” The fairy with ladybug wings spoke up. 

The four fairies looked to Bracken. He nodded and they zoomed off, presumably to gather their instruments and head to the pond. Bracken watched them go before heading back inside to find Warren. Kendra would distract Vanessa when she was done, so it was up to Bracken to distract Warren until he got the signal that everything was ready. 

A few hours later, everything was ready. The sun hung low and warm on the horizon. Enough time to eat, but a romantic sunset would soon be at hand, and the delicate lights strung up around the gazebo could really shine. The four little musicians were in place, practically vibrating with excitement at the prospect of showing off their talent. The food and drinks had been carefully packaged in the basket Kendra had found. It was perfect. 

Kendra and Bracken were responsible for getting the other two to the pond. Everything had been planned rather carefully. A lot of effort had been put into this date to make sure it didn’t fail. 

“Hey, Warren? Can you come here for a second?” Kendra called.

“What’s up, cuz?” Warren said, entering Kendra’s room.

“I left my jacket at the pond. Could you go get it for me?” Kendra batted her eyelashes for extra effect. Warren shot her an unimpressed look.

“Why don’t you go get it yourself?” 

“Well, see I would, but Bracken and I have a date tonight and I really can’t afford to be late, but I don’t want to leave the jacket at the pond overnight in case it rains, so…. Please?” Kendra grinned at him. Warren continued looking unimpressed. “Plus, I could show you how I did that jump-twist combo with the crossbow.” 

Warren held his stone-face for another beat, but Kendra could see him cracking. “Fine!” he said, throwing his hands in the air. “I’ll go get your jacket. But you better show me how you managed to hit that bullseye.”

“Thank you!” Kendra called as Warren strode off towards the pond. Kendra pulled out a little stone from her pocket. “Alright, Bracken, Warren took the bait. Send in Vanessa.”  
On the other side of the house, Bracken stood facing Vanessa. He sighed. Why did he have to be the one to fetch the blix? 

“What are you doing here?” Vanessa asked in a flat-tone. Bracken suppressed another sigh. 

“A peace-offering,” Bracken said simply. Vanessa turned to look at him.

“What kind?” she asked suspiciously. 

“Remember on the beach before Zzyzx, when I kind of let it slip that you maybe liked Warren?”

“How could I forget?” Bracken winced a little, it sounded like she was speaking through clenched teeth.

“Well that was super uncool of me, so I’d like to make it up to you. Come with me.” Bracken turned and marched away, fighting an embarrassed blush. It was kind of uncool that he told everyone about Vanessa’s crush, but she got him back by embarrassing him about Kendra. Still, he did feel a little bad. He could hear Vanessa trailing along behind him.

A tense walk later, and Bracken arrived at the hedges. He walked inside only to see Warren, who looked befuddled by the set-up.

“Hey, Bracken have you seen Kendra’s co-” Warren trailed off upon seeing an equally confused Vanessa. 

“Enjoy your evening,” Bracken said. Without waiting for a reply, he turned and left. Now Warren and Vanessa could enjoy their romantic evening without interruption. He could only hope it worked. He didn’t think he could stand to see them mooning over each other anymore than they already did. 

******

“Alright everyone, settle down. The second meeting of These Idiots Need Our Help has officially come to order. Just to catch everyone up, the romantic evening was a good try but ended in failure,” Seth said, standing by the large pad of paper once again. 

“It wasn’t a failure!” Ruth squawked. It had been her idea, after all. “They both said they had a great time!”

“Yeah, but they still aren’t dating,” Stan pointed out. Ruth leveled a glare at him. 

“And how do we know they aren’t dating? Vanessa’s fooled us all before.”

“Yeah, but Warren? Dude is less subtle than a fairy with a new haircut,” Seth pointed out. Everyone nodded.

“Plus, Warren hasn’t talked to me about it, and I hear about every crush he’s ever had,” Dale pointed out. Ruth looked put-out, but she conceded that the plan hadn’t gone as well as everyone had hoped. 

“What’s our next plan?” Kendra asked. 

“Well…” Seth said.

******

Plan B:

“Are you sure this will work?” 

“It totally will! Look at him, who could resist?”

“I don’t know, it just seems so… blunt.”

“And setting them up on a date wasn’t blunt? This’ll work, trust me.”

“Alright, alright, jeez.”

Kendra and Seth were huddled behind a manicured hedge in the garden of the main house. Fairies flitted around them, shooting them curious looks that the pair ignored. Next to the pool, Hugo was gently patting down some dirt around flowers that he had just planted. Vanessa was due for her weekly swim any second.

Right on cue, Vanessa came around the corner. She was wearing a one-piece black bathing suit, with her thick hair rolled into her bun. She had draped a colorful towel over her arm, holding a bottle of sunscreen. 

“Hey Hugo!” she greeted cheerfully.

“Hi ‘Nessa,” Hugo grumbled back, standing gingerly to avoid crushing the flowers.

“You planting more flowers? What kind?” Vanessa asked. Hugo was very proud of his flowers, and he loved talking to anybody about them. It was honestly adorable. Even the fairies helped, sending a little extra magic to Hugo’s favorites. One time, a hail storm shredded some lilies Hugo had planted, and the golem was depressed for a week.

“Roses,” Hugo answered. He looked over to the hedges where Kendra and Seth were hiding, probably looking for approval. Even though the golem couldn’t see them, Kendra and Seth nodded vigorously. 

“They look beautiful.”

“Thank you.” Hugo reached down and delicately plucked a long red rose from the bush he had just planted. He held it to Vanessa. She looked surprised to see Hugo willing plucking one of his flowers. “For you,” he said.

“Thank you, Hugo. It’s gorgeous.” Vanessa brought the rose to her nose, inhaling the scent. 

“Also for Warren.”

“What?” Vanessa looked confused. 

“For you and for Warren. For you to give to Warren. On a,” Hugo casted around for the word that he had practiced with Seth, “on a date.” 

Instantly, a blush that matched the rose appeared on Vanessa’s face. “Oh, uh, thanks. I’ll, uh, I’ll think about that.”

It was the most uncomposed Kendra and Seth had ever seen Vanessa. They gave a silent cheer. It was hard to resist Hugo, everyone just wanted to make him happy. They watched Vanessa skirt around the golem, still clutching the red rose. Hugo tromped to their hiding place. 

“Nice job!” Seth cheered, reaching up to give a high five which Hugo gently returned. 

“And now we wait,” Kendra said. Hopefully Vanessa would make her move soon and save the rest of them from having to watch the pair fawn over each other. It was honestly painful. They were so clearly pining for each other it physically hurt Kendra everytime Warren and Vanessa insisted they were ‘just friends.’

******

“The third meeting of These Idiots Need Our Help has officially come to order,” Seth called out, clapping his hands together. 

“I’m honestly not sure who the idiots are anymore,” Kendra grumbled. Ruth hid her smirk. Seth glared at her for a moment before continuing. 

“Anyway, the Hugo plan failed.” He uncapped the marker and crossed out the plan on the list. “Which idea should we try next?” 

“That dungeon option is looking more and more attractive,” Ruth said, only half-joking. 

“It worked for Kendra and I,” Bracken offered from his position pressed up next to Kendra as they were holding hands. Kendra blushed a little at that.

“Perhaps we should save imprisoning them until we’ve exhausted all other options,” Stan offered.

“Do you have any ideas, then?” Ruth shot back at him.

“As a matter of fact, I do.”

******

Plan C:

“Warren, Vanessa, would you be so kind as to join me in my office,” Stan called over the house intercom he had installed as the number of occupants had increased dramatically. It was easier to keep track of everyone (read: Seth) that way.

Three minutes later, Vanessa and Warren knocked on the door. Vanessa’s hair looked more mussed than normal, which was odd considering how long she spent on her appearance. Stan mentally shrugged, writing it off as night of poor sleeping. 

“Please, have a seat you two. Now, I’ll jump straight to the heart of the matter. You two are among the most talented operatives the Knight’s have. I’d like to start sending the both of you on missions together. Considering your rather extensive history, I think you’d make a fine pair and could accomplish a lot.”

“Makes sense,” Warren agreed, slouching back in his chair. 

“Wonderful! Unfortunately, you two are rather out of shape.” Both Vanessa and Warren bristled at the statement. “It’s nothing personal! Warren, you were an albino for years before getting thrust straight into this whole Zzyzx mess with next to no time for recuperation. Vanessa, you spent a considerable amount of time in the dungeon.”

“Fair enough, Stan. What do you want us to do?” Vanessa said, cutting in before Warren could say anything. 

“I’d like you two to start training together immediately. It’s imperative in the missions that you understand how your partner is moving and fighting. You should probably be spending a lot of time together in general, just to familiarize yourselves with your respective styles. Could save your lives one day.”

Warren and Vanessa glanced at each other, something indecipherable in their gazes. Warren grinned a little bit, the expression distinctly cocky. Vanessa raised her brow in response. 

“Can do, Stan,” Warren said as he stood, stretching his arms above his head. He made his way to the door, looking back towards Vanessa. “You coming? After all, you heard the captain, we should be spending a lot of time together.” 

Warren waggled his eyebrows and Vanessa let out a huff. Inside, Stan was cheering. Not only was he actually doing this because it was a strategically good move for the Knights of the Dawn, but now Warren and Vanessa would have to spend a lot of time together. Alone. It was great for bonding.

“Are you sure there aren’t any other agents I could be paired with?” Vanessa asked, turning to Stan with a pleading expression. Stan kept his features neutral.

“I’m afraid not.”

Vanessa let out a heaving sigh. “Fine! But only because I really don’t want to spend any more time in the dungeon and Ruth might lock me up there if I’m not making myself useful.”

“You have no idea,” Stan muttered under his breath. Vanessa chuckled a bit at that. 

“Come on, ‘Nessa.” Warren made grabby hands. She rolled her eyes as she stood, but she still allowed Warren to grab her hand and tug. Notably, their hands didn’t fall apart as the pair left Stan’s office.

Stan smirked. Forced interactions and hand-holding. He had this in the bag.

******

“Okay, the fourth meeting of Mission: These Idiots Need Our Help has begun.” Seth announced, rapping the marker he was holding on the easel next to him. “Grandpa, the training idea was good, but ultimately unsuccessful.”

“Hey! Hand-holding! That’s farther than any of you have gotten,” Stan said, pouting as he slouched into the couch. Ruth rubbed his shoulder consolingly.

“Stan has a point,” Tanu said. “Perhaps we simply haven’t given them enough time.”

“They’ve monopolized each other for the past three days. It isn’t time that they need, it’s a good ole-fashioned kick-in-the-pants,” Ruth huffed. 

“Perhaps subtlety was the way to go. After all, Stan did get further than the rest of us,” Tanu argued. 

At this Dale piped up. “Um, well, I may not know a lot about romance, but we could always combine a few ideas.”

“What do you mean?” Kendra asked.

“We would need both you and Bracken, if that’s okay.” The couple looked at each, then shrugged.

“Fine by us,” they said in unision. 

“Great!” Seth said. “Also, quit doing that, it creeps me out!”

******

Plan D:

“Hey, Warren, what’s going on?” Kendra called as she flopped on the couch next to him. Warren was reading a book, which he put down to direct his attention to his cousin. 

“Nothing much. Why?”

“Well, I was wondering if you wanted to hang tonight.”

“Sure, wanna marathon Star Wars?”

Kendra scoffed. “Hell no. I’m a Star Trek girl, through and through.” 

Warren gave a dramatic gasp and sat up. He narrowed his eyes. “You take that back,” he hissed.

“Never.”

“There’s hardly any plot!”

“At least the plot that’s there is consistent.”

“This is blasphemy! Hearsay! Traitor!” Warren cried. He leaned over to tickle Kendra. She shrieked and tried to bat his hands away, giggling. Warren grinned as his fingers danced along Kendra’s ribs. In retaliation, Kendra grabbed a pillow from the couch and swung it at him. Warren laughed as he dodged, turning his neck. 

“Woah, what happened?” Kendra asked, sitting up and sobering. 

“What do you mean?”

“Your neck, it’s all purple and red on the right side.” Warren’s eyes widened at Kendra’s explanation, and he clapped a hand over the affected area. “It looks like a rash or something.”

Warren let out a strangled laugh. “Right, yeah, a rash. I, uh, I had to go get Seth from the woods the other day and I must’ve brushed something.”

“You should let Tanu check that out.”

“Right, I’ll make sure to do that.” The two lapsed into silence. Warren let out a little cough. 

“So back to tonight, I was thinking we could go out to see a movie. I heard Guardians of the Galaxy 2 is pretty good.”

“Hmmm, I don’t want your poor taste in sci-fi to taint me.”

“Waaarrrreeeennnnnnn,” Kendra groaned. Her older cousin grinned. 

“Fine! I’ll go see the movie with you,” he conceded. 

“Great! I’ll text you what showtime we plan on seeing.” Bracken was in charge of picking a showtime and ordering the tickets online. After all, he needed some practice after his stint in the Living Mirage kept him from interacting with a lot of technology beyond a tv and a treadmill. Warren made a noise of agreement and picked his book back up. 

Kendra left the room and moved onto her next prey. A minute later, she was knocking on Vanessa’s door. 

“Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to hang tonight,” Kendra said as Vanessa opened the door. 

“A girl’s night?” 

“Um, well, I was going to go see Guardians of the Galaxy 2 and thought maybe you’d like to tag along with Warren, Bracken, and I.” Kendra tried to keep her tone casual. Vanessa pondered for a moment. 

“Sure. What time?” 

Kendra held in her sigh of relief. She didn’t suspect anything, which was crucial for this to work. “Bracken is looking up some showtimes. I’ll text you when we find one we like.”

“Cool, see you later, then.” Vanessa closed the door as she turned back to her room. Kendra smiled. The plan was all coming together. 

A few hours later, Kendra and Bracken were snuggled up on the couch when her phone rang. It was Warren. 

“Hey, Warren,” Kendra answered the phone. Deliberately, she made her throat rasp. Just for extra effect, she turned her head and coughed a little. “I don’t think I can make it to the movie tonight. I feel terrible.”

“You sound like you swallowed a cactus, what happened?” Warren asked, his voice thin through the phone. 

“I must’ve come down with something.”

“Do you want Vanessa and I to come home?” He asked. Oh good, they were already at the theater. That made this a lot easier. 

“No, no! Bracken is here with me. You two enjoy the movie. I’ll be fine, I promise,” Kendra assured her cousin.

“Well, as long as you’re sure,” Warren said.

“I am,” Kendra responded firmly. “Have fun!” She quickly hung up the phone before Warren could ask anymore questions and snuggled back up to Bracken. They were quiet for a moment.

“Hey, princess?” Kendra made a sleepy noise to indicate that she was listening. “If you have a unicorn boyfriend, then how are you supposed to be sick? I heal sickness.”

Kendra froze a bit before laughing. “I guess we didn’t really think that through.”

“It still worked, though,” Bracken said. “We got them together.”

******

“Hello everyone. Thank you for coming to our fifth meeting of These Idiots Need Our Help. The last plan didn’t work, so I’m opening the floor for suggestions,” Seth called out. 

“I say we go with Ruth’s original idea,” Dale immediately offered.

“What, the dungeon?”

“Yes,” he said firmly. 

“I thought we agreed that was a last resort,” Stan said. “I say we try my idea again.”

“The training didn’t work,” Ruth cut in, ignoring Stan’s scowl. “We should set them up on another date.”

“Well that didn’t work either,” Bracken said. “If we just-”

“Babe, I love you, but we are not trying anything from the rom-coms you watched in prison,” Kendra interrupted her boyfriend, who pouted at her.

“I still say that if it worked in Hitch, it could work here.”

“As admirable as your faith in Warren is,” Dale jumped into the fray, “my brother is no Will Smith. He wouldn’t know smooth if he slipped on it.”

Stan and Ruth were still busy pouting at each other. Seth was trying to get everyone’s attention from his position next to the pad of paper with ideas, and everyone was steadfastly ignoring his attempts. Bracken looked ready to argue with Dale while Kendra was rubbing her temples like she had a headache. Tanu looked at the chaos around him before calmly standing and clearing his throat. Instantly, all the attention jumped to him and the group quieted. 

“Fighting amongst ourselves will not solve the issue at hand. We need to be united as team to accomplish our aims,” Tanu spoke, his deep voice gently chiding. Everyone had the decency to look a bit chagrined. He continued, “I believe that the main problem we are having is that we haven’t been playing to everyone’s strengths.”

“Where are you going with this?” Seth asked.

Tanu smiled mischievously. “You have a potion master in your midst! With Bracken’s help, I think I might be able to whip something up.”

Suddenly, everyone’s smiles matched Tanu. Seth looked particularly impish as they considered the possibilities. 

******

Plan E: 

Tanu surveyed the ingredients in front of him. It had been a long time since he’d made one of these potions, and wanted to be sure that it was right. Just in case, however, he had an antidote on hand that could cure virtually every toxin or potion effect. 

It wasn’t hard to find most of the ingredients, a trip to the florist usually did the trick. It was the magic ingredients that were a bit more difficult to pin down. Fortunately, having a unicorn around came in handy now and again. 

Bracken had provided some honey made by a species of fairy that lived in the Hidden Mesa preserve. The honey had been imbued with fairy magic as a byproduct of being around fairies. The was known to cure most ailments, so any toxic effect from the flowers should be negated. Bracken had also provided a quill from a magical porcupine, of sorts. It’s quills caused feelings of fondness and adoration as a defense mechanism against predators. After all, you wouldn’t kill and eat something you were in love with. 

Humming to himself, Tanu diced up the petals of a white carnation before adding it to the water boiling on the stove. Minced daisy leaves were quick to follow. He also sprinkled in dried maidenhair fern. Milk of dandelion was a bit more difficult to squeeze out of the yellow weed, but soon Tanu had enough to add to the boiling mixture. Pollen of jonquil was also added. Carefully, Tanu dropped three of the love quills in and covered the mixture. He let it boil for ten minutes before removing the pot from the heat. 

After it was cool, Tanu added the fairy honey to the murky concoction. It promptly turned a lovely shade of pale pink. Tanu was quite pleased with himself. He ladled it into two bowls, adding a whole gloxinia flower to each. All in all, it looked delicious, and Tanu was half-tempted to try some himself. He resisted, however, having no desire to fall in love with the first living thing he saw. 

“Warren, Vanessa!” Tanu called. “I made lunch!” That was everyone’s cue to scram. Couldn’t have these two looking at somebody else by accident and falling in love with the wrong person. 

It took a minute, but Warren and Vanessa came in together, making their way to the table. They took a seat, looking at the soup curiously. 

“No one else gets lunch, Tanu? We must’ve done something to get on your good side if you’re willing to cook for us,” Warren joked.

“It looks delicious, Tanu, thank you.”

“My pleasure, Vanessa. Oh! But I forgot something upstairs. You two go ahead and dig in, I’ll be right back.” Tanu hustled out of the kitchen, pressing himself against the wall. He was close enough to hear, but out of sight. 

“That was weird,” Warren said.

“No weirder than we’re used to.” Tanu could hear the shrug in her voice. “Besides, if it gets us soup like this, who cares how weird it is.”

“What flavor do you think it is?”

“Who cares? It looks really good.” 

“Well said,” Warren said with a chuckle. “Bon appetite.”

It was quiet for a while; Tanu assumed they were eating the soup. He held his breath. So long as nothing odd happened, they should be falling in love right now. He wondered what they looked like. Perhaps Warren would finish first. He would look up at Vanessa and his mouth would fall open in wonder. Before Vanessa could ask what was wrong with him, the spell would hit her too. They would grab each others hands and-

Tanu was jarred out of his imagination by the sound of someone talking. 

“That was really good. Tasted a bit like honey,” Warren said. 

“I should bug Tanu for the recipe for this, it was light and refreshing. And I hate most soups.”

“I know you do, you want something you can sink your fangs into,” Warren’s tone was impish. Vanessa let out an undignified squawk.

“I do not have fangs!” she squealed. 

There was a muffled noise before Warren let out a dramatic wail. “OW! That hurt!”

“It was just rolled up paper, you big baby.”

Color Tanu thoroughly confused. The potion should have taken effect immediately. Warren and Vanessa should be enamored with each other, not using rolled up newspapers to inflict damage. He went over the ingredients in his mind. Nothing was missing, and Tanu had followed the instructions his father had gave him exactly. It had been a while since he’d made a love potion, but Tanu was a potion master! He knew what he was doing. Maybe Bracken had given him faulty ingredients by accident. 

“Oh, hey Tanu! Did you find that thing you were looking for?” Warren asked, having exited the kitchen with Vanessa. Tanu blinked a few times, eyes darting between the pair to look for any differences, any sign that the potion had taken effect.

“Yoo hoo, Earth to Tanu,” Warren said, waving his hand in front of Tanu’s face. 

“Oh! Right, sorry. Yeah, I found it. Thanks. How was the soup?”

“It was so good,” Vanessa gushed. “Can I have the recipe?” 

“Um, sure. No problem.” 

“Thanks!” Vanessa beamed at him. She ambled off with Warren at her side. As they disappeared around the corner, Tanu heard her say. “You know, it’s weird. I feel more cuddly than normal.”

Warren’s response was faint. “Your normal level of cuddly is comparable to those cats that don’t let anyone touch them except if they’re all drugged out on catnip.”

“I take offense that! I-” the rest of Vanessa’s response was lost as she and Warren moved out of Tanu’s hearing range. 

Tanu was dejected. Where had he gone wrong? The two weren’t dead, so obviously the magic was working. But why weren’t they in love? He sighed and trudged off. 

******

“Please, everyone, settle down. Our sixth meeting of: These Idiots Need Our Help has begun. Since something went wonky with Tanu’s love potion, not that we are doubting your skills or abilities!” Seth rushed to say at Tanu’s pout. “But since it didn’t work as intended, we are going to have to come up with a new plan.”

“If the love potion a renowned potion master made didn’t work, then what are we supposed to do?” Kendra asked.

“I don’t know,” Dale said, “but if I have to hear about how pretty Vanessa’s eyes are or how smart and strong she is one more time, I’m going to live with the centaurs.”

“Not the centaurs! Those guys are jerks.”

“Anything has to be better than listening to the two of them pine after each other.”

“Then we have to double our efforts. Before my favorite preserve handyman abandons us all in favor of living with horse-shaped jerks,” Seth said decisively. Stan nodded with enthusiasm. If Dale left, there would be no one to keep the preserve going while they were all gallivanting about on missions to save the world. 

“Any ideas?” Bracken suggested. The crew thought for a moment, but no ideas surfaced. Ruth sat up straighter and took a deep breath to steady herself. 

“It’s time,” was all she said. 

A beat passed before Seth slowly nodded. “It’s time.”

******

Plan F:

Stan strolled around the garden, looking for Vanessa. Kendra had seen her go this way earlier. To his surprise, he saw Vanessa and Warren sitting facing each other on a bench. They looked uncomfortable with their backs pressed against the armrests and their legs bumping into each other where they meet in the middle. Stan could hear them talking softly. 

“Warren, Vanessa! I was just looking for you two,” Stan greeted. 

“What’s up?” Vanessa asked. Warren twisted a bit to face him. 

“Well, we’re getting a new prisoner in soon, and I wanted to stash them in your old cell. I think you left your mini fridge down there, though, so I’m going to need you and Warren to move it into the storage area,” Stan explained, hoping they didn’t remember that the mini fridge had been moved. Last night, Tanu and Seth had been tasked with moving it back into the cell.

“I thought we moved that,” Vanessa said. 

Stan kept himself from wincing. “I thought so too, but when I checked this morning, it was still there.” 

Vanessa glanced over at Warren, who shrugged. “Alright,” she said as she shrugged. 

Warren and Vanessa untangled their legs as they stood up off the bench. They both stretched a bit, giving a sigh as Stan heard their backs pop. How long had they been on the bench, anyway?

“Lead the way,” Warren said as he gestured. 

The trio ambled down to Vanessa’s former cell. The blix wrinkled her nose as she took in the bare walls and the singular cot. The mini fridge had been jammed into the corner. 

“I forgot how small this place was,” she muttered. Warren gave her a sympathetic smile. 

As planned, Stan’s cell phone went off at that moment. “If you’ll excuse, I must take this,” he said, hustling to make his way out of the cell. He closed the door behind him, the cell locked automatically. In the first streak of luck since this whole disaster began, Warren and Vanessa didn’t notice that the cell door had been closed. Stan answered the call.

“Yes, everything will be ready for the prisoner transfer in a week. All we need is the prisoner number and to know about any special accommodations for our new guest,” he said as he trudged up the stairs, exiting the dungeon. The door closed behind him. “Alright, I think we’re in the clear,” he spoke into the phone, dropping the act about the prisoner exchange. Stan hung up the phone as Ruth came around the corner, also hanging up her cell phone.

“And now we wait,” she said. 

“And now we wait,” Stan agreed.

Two hours later, Stan and Ruth unceremoniously shoved their granddaughter towards the door to the dungeon with orders to let Warren and Vanessa out.

“But why me?” Kendra cried, digging in her heels. “They’re gonna be pissed!”

“Yes, they are,” Ruth agreed, “but they like you the most and probably will decline to attack you.”

Kendra tried to think up an argument against that, but it was fairly compelling. She glared a bit at her grandparents, but accepted that she was likely going to have to be the one to let the two angry lovebirds out of their cage. 

The things I do for these two in the name of their love. Kendra thought angrily as she stomped down the stairs. I better be the one to help pick out the ring when Warren or Vanessa proposes or I’m calling bullshit on this whole thing.

Warily, Kendra approached the cell in question, clutching the key to her chest. She considered her options. On the one hand, she could open the door and act confused, which might spare her the wrath of Vanessa Santoro. But if she did that, she risked seeing the two making out, which, ew. So she could knock, but that would indicate that she was somehow involved in the whole plot. Which, she was, but if she made that fact known, then she would have to suffer Vanessa’s aforementioned wrath. 

Kendra hesitated a bit more before deciding to hell with it. She came up to the door and jiggled the key in the lock a bit before actually turning it, hoping that the two somehow heard the noise she made and decided to stop whatever it is they were doing. Praying that she wasn’t about to walk in and see her cousin’s tongue jammed down someone’s throat, Kendra swung the door to the cell open. 

Warren and Vanessa blinked up at her from their position seated cross-legged on the floor. Warren had his hands raised, both palms facing Vanessa. 

“Uh, what’re you two doing?” Kendra asked.

“We were about to start our tenth round of patty cake. However, since Stan has seen fit to send someone to rescue us, I think I’ll pass on that in favor of getting out of this cell,” Vanessa said as she stood, brushing the dirt off of her pants. Warren stood as well, also brushing himself off. Vanessa looked serene as she drifted out the door. Kendra watched her go before turning back to her cousin. 

“She’s going to kill Grandpa, isn’t she?”

“Big time.”

“What’d you guys do while you were down here, besides playing patty-cake, I mean?” Kendra asked, crossing her fingers in her mind.

“Well, after Vanessa finished ranting about how she was going to kill Stan, we mostly just talked.”

Kendra felt herself wilt. “Of course you did,” she muttered under her breath. 

“What was that?” Warren asked, an emotion Kendra couldn’t name seeping into his voice. 

“Nothing, nothing!” she rushed to assure him. “Just glad you two didn’t die of boredom.”

“It was a near thing,” Warren said somberly. “Welp, I suppose I better go make sure Vanessa doesn’t do something to earn Ruth’s enmity again.” With that, Warren turned and ambled out of the cell. 

As her cousin left, Kendra dug the heels of her hand into her eyes. How could two smart people be so dense!

******

“Welcome, everyone, to meeting seven of These Idiots Need Our Help,” Seth said. Even he couldn’t muster the enthusiasm of earlier meetings. The assembled crew was all slumped over, posture dejected. “Dale, do you have any updates?” Despite everything, a sliver of hope had worked its way into Seth’s tone. It was quickly squashed when Dale shook his head. 

“He told me everything they talked about, but nothing really beyond talking.”

“This is useless! They’ll never realize their feelings, if they haven’t by now,” Kendra growled in frustration. Seth was usually hesitant to agree with his sister on any account, but he was tempted to in this instance. Before anyone could respond, the sound of footfalls was heard approaching the living room. 

Seth looked up. “Hide,” he whispered. Everyone jumped into action. Bracken did a rather impressive leap to jam his body behind the couch, and Kendra quickly followed suit. Stan and Ruth concealed themselves behind two different chairs. Tanu hustled into the hallway beside the living room and ducked into the shadows. Seth opened the window and tossed the paper and easel out. Then, he backed himself into a dark corner and trusted in his shade walking abilities to keep him hidden. Dale went out onto the back deck and pressed himself against the wall.

Just in time too, since Warren and Vanessa rounded the corner, holding hands. 

“Where do you think everyone is?” Warren asked.

“Probably somewhere cooking up a new harebrained scheme,” Vanessa chuckled.

“I don’t know, the movie wasn’t half bad,” Warren said as he flopped down on the couch.

“It was really good. But the training? That sucked,” Vanessa flopped down next to him. “My abs still hurt from the plank contest we got in.”

“Me too, but it was worth it.”

“Was it though?”

“Well yeah, we needed to look like we were actually training in case Stan walked in to ‘check-in’ on us,” Warren made air quotes around the words check-in. Vanessa chuckled a bit at that. 

“I still maintain that it was a mistake,” Vanessa grumbled a bit.

“Maybe, but imagine how pissed they’d all be if they realized the first thing they tried worked,” Warren said. He leaned over and dropped a kiss onto Vanessa’s lips. 

In that moment, precisely three things happened. 1) Everyone who had previously been hiding popped out and let out a roaring shout of “ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????????”, 2) Warren fell off the couch in surprise due to the shouting, and 3) Vanessa took the opportunity to karate-chop Bracken in the neck, though that was also probably due to the shouting. 

“You two have been dating the whole time!” Kendra shrieked, pointing an accusing finger at Warren, who was still lying prone on the ground.

“Uh. Surprise?” he said weakly. 

Once Bracken stopped choking, he glared at Vanessa and said, “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“We talked at the picnic, and we thought it was funny how invested you all clearly were in us. Not a lot has been happening around here, so we figured it’d be fun to mess with you all for a couple days. Then, it kind of snowballed out of hand,” she admitted, a little sheepishly. 

“That explains why the love potion didn’t work!” Tanu exclaimed triumphantly. “You two are already in love, so it couldn’t make you fall in love again.”

“You tried a love potion on us?” Warren said. He looked at Vanessa. “The soup!” the said both at the same time. 

“I thought it was weird that no one else got to eat the soup,” Vanessa said. 

Warren looked like he was about to say something, but before he could, a pillow thwaped him in the face. He blinked, momentarily stunned.

“That’s for keeping your crush a secret from me the one time it mattered, jerk,” Dale hissed, swinging the pillow again. “Also for ranting and raving to me about Vanessa’s eyes to the point where I thought I was going to go crazy.” Right then, a pillow hit Dale in the face.

“That’s for attacking my boyfriend,” Vanessa said airly. 

After that, it was a made scramble for pillows that ended with everyone on the floor, laughing, and a fair amount of stuffing scattered across the room. 

When things calmed a bit, Bracken rolled onto his side so he could face Warren and Vanessa. “What did you guys even do on those dates we set you up on, anyway?” he asked.

The two looked at each other. Warren shrugged. “What you probably expected us to do.” 

“Fair enough,” Bracken said. 

“For the record,” Dale added, “I’m still pissed at you for keeping this a secret.”

The only response was Warren and Vanessa snickering. Jerks.

**Author's Note:**

> The flowers in Tanu's section have meaning, but I'm tired so I'll edit this later if people really want to know. 
> 
> Warren did not, in fact, have a rash. That was definitely a hickey. That Vanessa gave him. Also, Vanessa's hair being all messed up when she was talking to Stan was definitely a result of them making out right before getting called down. Whoops.
> 
> If there's interest/if I get enough motivation, I'll write a second chapter from Warren and Vanessa's point of view. 
> 
> *insert image of me begging on hands and knees* Please, my crops are dying. Kudos and comments will revive me. Or if you are so inclined, you can always find me on my tumblr and leave me a message: centaurs-are-jerks
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much reading and hopefully enjoying!


End file.
